I am sharing bits of my book with you, as I touch on a very important lesson that God taught me on a rough, sour but worth it journey. I can say in my lifetime I have had the privilege of sitting on the front row of God’s classroom as He taught on marriage.
God had to break my heart in order to get me ready for my assignment, for five years and five years only I was married. I saw so much, I learned so much and I will forever treasure the memoirs. Waking up to midnight calls from concubines, packing and cleaning after they messed up my bedroom yes matrimonial bedroom, attending to them when they felt to rub it in my face, some confessing and others apologizing; are some of the tests you will endure when you are destiny driven. It made me bitter, it broke my self-esteem, I suspected everyone and my duty was of an investigating officer. I jangled between calling hotels and lodges to find out bookings under my husband’s name, some were real and others weren’t I was a call center for follow up’s of every strange number I found on my husband’s phone screen, I became what I was not because of what I wanted to remain, I wanted to remain a wife even well after I knew I had assistants in the position. The moment a vacancy is filled, it is no longer available. If a supervisor appoints someone for a vacancy that is already filled, it’s either someone is about to get fired, someone is about to be replaced or the current incumbent is not competent in his or her job. If I had gotten this revelation long enough, I wouldn’t have had plenty pages to write on but destiny brought me here and I am grateful for it. Day after another I would prepare great warm meals and end up eating alone at times the food will be left on the counter but even that did not stop me from preparing fresh food for the next day, I kept to my wifely duty of picking the very best outfit for my husband because his image represented me as well and it shouted the palace is not falling apart.
I manage to hide anything from everyone that would give them an idea that I was not happy, I would cover up and tell my friends he is out of the country and in just a split of a moment one of our cars would drive by with one of my assistants being the driver. One afternoon while I was busy with my lie statements of cover up, before I could finish saying his travelled out of town he just drove past us, I continued as if I did not see him thou I knew my crowd did, I was being nothing but a godly woman except that I was a lying one for my marriage sake. Later on I started isolating myself from anyone or anything that exposed my husband’s infidelity or recklessness because I chose not to see what was there but what is not there. I resolved to see a great, changed and godly man. I avoided and delayed anything that could lead me into divorce, time and again I was given ultimatums to move out and move on with the reason that it was all "a mistake" I cried, I grieved and yes I had a mental disorder I was sandwiched by a psychologist and a psychiatrist, I was on tranquilizers and my life was slowly but surely crumpling down, I remember walking past a lady seated on a bench in a mall and I overheard her phone conversation she was talking to someone with a similar name as my ex-husband’s and I walked straight next to her waiting for her to finish so I ask her who she was talking to and I wanted to also see on the screen to verify the number, seconds before she hanged up she switched languages and spoke in a language that my ex wouldn’t understand it was then I picked my shopping bag and walked away because then I was assured it’s not him she was talking to, the sad part was this happened when I was not on my medication and should I have been on my medication I would have just laughed and not felt a pinch because that was the side effects because the tranquilizers numbed my feelings. I started confronting, questioning and locking myself up to demonstrate my anger and hurt in cry for a changed man, he remained the man he is while I was losing who I was.
My family, friends and acquaintances had gotten eviction orders because if they came close they would break my husband and me, I built a wall around me to protect my falling home. The fake gifts, fake flowers and fake love that was displayed in the public was for onlookers that scrutinize too much and reveal people’s evil deeds and yes all this worked because some in my world believed in it and thought mine was the idea of what marriage should be. I kept allowing the cycle over and over again, I was stuck in a mental draining, loveless, sexless and no support marriage all in the name of "what will they say" to date I look behind to see who the "theys" are and I do not see any, when in a four walled room all you know is; pain, tears, hurt and fear; you do not break the cycle because it has now become a full part of you. A lifeless season lived within me and I would not do anything to end it because it has become my life. I have seen many people stuck into marriages that are not fruitful, holding on and waiting for a change at some instances the change they waited for was death and that is very sad.
One awesome week while on vacation and counselling at a resort in South Africa I did a lot of thinking, I replayed a lot of films in my mind, I got back home and every evidence I found as proof that my assistants came by meant nothing to me anymore because even whom they visited did not matter anymore, when you push your spouse to a point of "ENOUGH" there is barely almost nothing, anyone or anything that can reverse that, yes God can do all things and nothing is impossible with Him but do not get caught in losing yourself, you fear God and your spouse does not, so why give him godly benefits? When all he or she returns to you is abuse. We need to know when to say enough. I carried burdens and cried myself to sleep every night and after I realized what all this did to me I was not afraid of the world anymore, then the "theys" ceased to exist in my mind and I looked forward to the walk of shame I had to take ahead of me, I must say I was excited. I have never been to prison but I believe it feels the same way when your prison cell is opened up and you are free to go home it was at that moment when my mind was set free, free from mental and emotional abuse. I was going home, where love was waiting for me. On that Saturday afternoon right and there I fell before the Lord, poured my heart out and what had been my home for five years was now just a residential address and I was delighted about the next chapter of my life, I foresaw a joy that awaited me that no one could quench, I saw a strong woman walk out of a prison cell, I must admit it was not by my strength but God held my hand, I got out of the tears, the pains, the long nights of waiting for someone that wouldn’t come, all this miseries had ended and all that was left was my destiny, my purpose and it cried for fulfilment.
Yes I have had the legendary sit in the classroom of marriage and divorce taught me so much about marriage, I am better now than I was…
I do not at all advocate for divorce but VERY IMPORTANT "SAY NO TO ABUSE"
-Sticking to abuse and an unhappy marriage or any relationship does not define your strength and there is no reward to it-
There is no compensation from words such as; he or she is such a strong man or woman, what it in turn means when someone tells you that they are saying you can take in so much garbage they wouldn’t dare do that!
The words that were uttered to me on a daily basis became me, they were as sharp as a sword, it burned like fire, the lips that uttered them turned into a saw that cuts deep through to my heart, they cut through as an arrow would, the tone that was used to communicate to me alone could draw tears from my eyes, it was so scary and traumatizing. Abuse is not only physical, abuse can be emotional, mental and this is even more painful. Do not at any time give in to any sort of abuse; it can cause you your health, your mind, your life and your all. SAY NO TO ABUSE be it you are a man or woman, never mind what society will say.
-I would rather hear society talk in my normal state of mind then hear their voices from behind of an asylum wall-
Yes I have been "In the Chambers of Marriage" today I have a reputation and a tale to tell everyman before they fall in love with me, when I meet my future in laws my introduction now involves I am a divorcee but I am grateful Lord, I am grateful that I do not need to depend on tranquilizers for the rest of my life.
-There came a time when the picture I had drawn about myself through God’s words did not match my situations at hand but still I did not erase it, not because I could not but because I know I am in pursuit of my destiny and I did not want to skip any lesson-
About the Author: Alina Letushila is a woman that has lived 31 years full of grace. She was born in Windhoek Namibia, Africa and is currently a full time Administrator and Part-time Writer and Paralegal Student. Alina is also currently finalizing editing her book "Destiny brought me here" The Debutant of a Christian Divorcee, I have two other books that I have my notes being put together on, titled: "Ann, the Covenant Child of God" and "Don’t trade your stiletto for flops." She is a godly woman, passionate about love, marriage and purity and doesn't advocate for divorce. She writes to share her lessons as inspired by the Spirit of God.https://instagram.com/firstladyshailah/
hailekaa@gmail.com
0 comments:
Post a Comment